My last couple days have been awful. Everything that could go wrong has. I’ve been crying on and off and had to go to class this morning with swollen eyes. It’s like, even if I have to feel bad my body makes sure I get a couple “you look tired” or “what’s wrong” from people I don’t feel like addressing. I just want to keep my sadness and loneliness somewhat private. But when I’m laying in bed and sobbing, gut wrenching, tummy-ache producing sobs— I want to be held. I want somebody to pick me up and hold me and give me kisses all over my face. I want to be reassured that I’m not a failure and that I’m as great as I usually think I am. But I don’t want to reassure myself in half-psychotic whispers “you’re great” when in reality there’s nobody there telling me that. I can’t be that delusional.. believe me, I’ve tried. I feel as if life is an endless stream of crying since birth, with momentary laughs, and in the end you go out quietly from exhaustion. I’ve found myself thinking random things like, “I wonder how it might feel to experience my nails spontaneously falling off?” I can’t even… I need some rest and love. I’m tired of feeling like I’m going it alone. I’m tired of not feeling like my efforts are respected by people who would spit in my face if they could.
All those years ago you stood here in the country, ready to marry Mom and spend the rest of your life together. Now 57 years later she spends each day with you as you gradually forget and slip further away from us. But love and family endure, and we cherish each day we still have together.
Love, Your Family
Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a C. You give 110% to someone in a relationship who only gives 40%. You’re there for a best friend at 3:00am and the next day they don’t pick up their phone. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything and they’re just walking away with it.